


Remorse Code

by do_not_confess



Category: Friday Night Lights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-05
Updated: 2013-07-05
Packaged: 2017-12-17 19:18:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/871075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/do_not_confess/pseuds/do_not_confess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But he is different now, she notices. More loose and casual and it hurts because he was the only guy she's ever met who couldn't help but care too much about everything in the world. She misses when he cared for her like that.</p><p>Filler moments for the season 5 episode "Gut Check" where Julie visits Matt in Chicago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remorse Code

When he takes her into his apartment for the first time, she can't help but scan the paintings and drawings around her for her face or features, or at least a sign that she's still on his mind, in his heart, somewhere. There are so many new pieces, so many of his dreams and fears and thoughts and heartaches which she doesn't know anymore, manifested in coal and soft smudges and brush strokes, like window into a stranger's soul. But she can't see anything of her in any of his art anymore. 

His accent is different. And his clothes. Who told him that that black sweater and the cargo jacket made him look handsome? Was it a girl? He looks so heart achingly grown up. Like he has become a full man, but not for her. 

They go out to a party which Matt admits is really a _vernissage_ , but he doesn't want to sound pretentious, a trace of Texas drawl working itself around the foreign syllables. And the urge for her to fall into his arms becomes almost unbearable, her limbs aching so badly for him. She can't work out if he's asked her there as a date, probably not, because they have barely touched since that awkward hug they shared at the door. But she puts on a dress anyway, feeling stupid and out of place amongst the hipsters at the gallery with their edgy haircuts and thick-rimmed glasses and no one probably even takes dates to these events, it's just cool people mingling casually. So she tries to be casual but instead she stands around awkwardly, champagne glass in one hand and wonders if her dress and bubblegum lip gloss make her look as hick and juvenile as she fears. 

The gallery is full of his new friends and she pathetically scans his interaction with every girl he introduces her to for a smidgeon of flirt or attraction, not that he's ever done the two of them so well. But he is different now, she notices. Easier and more confident and it hurts because he was the only guy she's ever met who couldn't help but care too much about everything in the world. She misses when he cared for her like that. 

He walks her around the room, looking at the pieces with her, explaining, throwing in tidbits of information about the artist and the style and the theme of the exhibit. He asks her for her opinion. She stares at the paintings and wishes she could dive into them, to be a part of Matt's life again. 

At night, on the couch he's made up for her with comfy old blankets, she listens to the old play list on her Ipod that he made her a life time ago, because she's a glutton for punishment, apparently. And when Richard Hawley comes on she can't help but cry into the flannels, smelling of Matt. It's probably her dumb mind playing tricks on her. 

It isn't until later, when he's already kissed her and they've fallen back into the lovemaking like picking up an old skill, a bit clumsily but still in their muscle memory, that she realizes maybe the longing was in him all along, too. It isn't until later, when she sees her painting up on the wall, across from the bed. Over his dresser with the pictures of his grandmother, his father and Shelby is one she hasn't seen before. She can make out the traces of her face, colored crazy by yellow Texas sun, freckled all over.

\--

He watches her at the gallery, eyes wide, taking in what he's telling her. She looks heartbreakingly beautiful in her dress, like she's there for a date, sweet and lovely. And he wishes they were, but he's not sure about the rules that are hidden but surely there, lines that mustn't be crossed, places that shouldn't be revisited because you're not supposed to only love one single person in your life, but grow up and go places and live and love many, cause it's not the 50s anymore, not even in Texas. Here in his new life, Julie's presence and significance can't even be translated into something meaningful, when all he has to refer to her is the term "ex-girlfriend" or "highschool sweetheart". Here, more than anything, you're supposed to play the field for some years, do college and then settle for someone, later, when you're ready. 

And somehow he's managed to screw this up royally, even though on paper he's done everything right and left her behind but it's all in vain because he lost his heart, too soon, too much. Because he is somehow incapable of even imagining loving someone other than Julie Taylor. And he's tried. 

All the bets are off though, when she tells him she misses him. She thinks she doesn't fit into his life anymore and even though it may be the truth he can't stand her saying it. When he kisses her, they fall right back into each other and it may be a mistake but she's etched onto the canvas of his life anyway. 

He's been trying to paint her for months, as a sort of goodbye, but has only been satisfied with one of the many attempts. He's kept it for his portfolio, titled “Girl in Yellows and Oranges” and that should've been it but it's somehow made its way onto the wall in his bedroom and the longer he stares at it, the less he likes it. The more he stares at it the more the painting doesn't look enough. It looks like remorse. 

They kiss and then he takes her home and they make love like they used to, maybe with a little more regret and disbelief that whatever used to be between them hasn't gone away but has travelled with them all this way.

But Matt shouldn't be surprised. He feels like Julie is a painting inside him, wanting to be born too soon, before he has the skill to do her justice. He wants to, has to get it right, with her.


End file.
